shit that my family sends me...

[nubrider]

pretty much post the shit your family sends you in your emails...

First off along but good one

Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella
Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully
sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember,
she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was
driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's
right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the
U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past
year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was
awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a
toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were
understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California
won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a
Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania ,
who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.
Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he
could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house
because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled
it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company
claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company
must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of
anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...
Double head scratching after this
one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas ,
garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical
expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle -
even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did
not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have
been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the
fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet
gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a
bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania
because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she
slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft
drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for
their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the
scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the
owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was
trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus

dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award
winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new
32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game,
having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting
in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while
the cruise control was set.. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting
down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago
actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.
Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more
stupid.... ?

[NorwegianSF]

From my dad: ;D

One thing about blokes from Australia is that their hearts and humor are
always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on
a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations
of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from
the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery
to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one
Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'

'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[haruha]

Dear Eric,

It has come to my attention that you will be attending college (officially) after this summer. I've decided to email you and congratulate you and your splendid efforts to stay a straight A student. Mother has told me a lot about your school life over the phone; since you don't seem to call me (Fuck you too). Even if I love(loathe) you with all my heart, I must give you some warnings.

1. Don't get a dorm room. It was bad enough as a girl. I've had neighbors put the used condoms on the doorknob. Who knew girls would do it just to piss you off? I'm not even that bad. Guys do it just to brag. Anyway, next one.

2. If you do get a dorm room, make sure your room mate is properly groomed. Even if it means you have to wash them yourself.

3. Cheating is the easiest thing ever.

4. If you do cheat. Get caught! You don't get a second chance!

5. Best way to live during college. Get your best friends to go to the same college and then rent a house with them. Lots of room mate lovin.

6. Find the college nerd/geek/4.0 jock. They will usually do your term paper if you give them the right motivation.

7. Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Your loving and caring sister.


P.S. Hope you enjoy college!

[nubrider]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2009.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skil lful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

[nubrider]

Proof That The World Is Nuts




In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death..
(Like THAT mak es sense..)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directl y at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. . The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
way to go Hong Kong !!
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and a lways falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !!

[shadistic]

Jan 21, 2010 22:14:42 GMT nubrider said:

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

I guess it's common for newlyweds in Cali to take a day/night trip to the coast.

[s0ldat1]

rofl at the dam beavers, someone got pwnt...

[acef]

this planet is wierd ^^